Alias’s funniest home videos
by LilsurferSango
Summary: The past doesn't always stay buried... especially when it's embarrassing. Some of the cast of Alias's humiliating past are revealed... plz r
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Alias, but if someone wanted to give it to me for my birthday… I wouldn't complain. 

A/N: I know.. OOC, but it's funny… I hope and consider this a late Christmas gift. Sorry for making Sark and Sloane pair up (**not** in _that _way!) in this fic, it just worked. Please don't hit me. You'll see… 

Alias's funniest home videos

Prologue

Sydney walked into the room carefully taking cautious steps with Lauren, Weiss and Vaughn following quickly behind her. 

"There's nothing here." she said looking around the small empty warehouse like building. There werent even stares. All of were wearing basically universal spy attire. Lauren swept her gun around wondering, just like everyone was why there wasn't anything here except for the 5 walls in the extremely bare room. 

Within a couple of minutes of searching the room Sark walked in followed by Sloane and a few others. It seemed that Sark too, had been complaining of the lack of Rambaldi items there, or the lack of anything besides space in particular. When they noticed the CIA agents already in there, Sark and Sloane just looked at them expectantly. 

"Wow look, a few agents have come to laugh and dance about wasting our time to find absolutely nothing." Sark said sarcastically. They had all spent months searching this lead, the whole assignment practically taking over their lives… all for a dead lead… or so they thought. 

Sydney opened her mouth to say something but before she or anybody else could say something the only door in the room closed. Everyone put up their guards but it didn't help them in the long run. Sydney motioned to Lauren for her o go check the door. Walking cautiously up to the door Lauren attempted to open the door, but to no avail. Weiss walking quickly up to the door and tired to open the door but he couldn't either. Sydney and Sark looked around and up at the ceilings expecting something to come pouring into the room. After each spy/assassin/terrorist attempted to open the door they sat down in defeat. All they had with them were their guns and the agent didn't want to waste their bullets on the door in case the terrorists/assassins tried anything. It seemed to be vise versa. 

A voice poke up suddenly out of nowhere. It was a female's voice and it sounded as if it were either a recording or being spoken through a speaker. 

"All this death around us," the woman said. She sounded as if she were in her mid-twenties. 

"Yet you seem to have no problem causing more," another voice said, this one seemed to be a boy no older then 11. 

"You don't even stop to looked carefully at the world around you." the voice of a little girl about 7 accused them.

"If you can't control your life…" a man in about his forties started.

"Then what makes you feel you have the right to change or control others?" they said in unison. "Don't try to deny it. Are any of you where you want to be in life? Do you honestly think that it's fair to change other people's lives just because you don't know how you want to run yours? You want this, but then you want that. I know your life might not be fun, but life is not all fun and games. Yet, you all are willing to sacrifice just about everything in your lives to have something that once you get it you no longer want." 

Everyone stayed silent digesting what they had told them. Weiss and Sark attempted to speak up, but were drowned out by the sound of a screen sliding down a wall. It stopped about 6 inches off the ground and soon a video was staring to play. 

"You think you know what you want in life. But first, why don't you take a good look at what you used to have and ask yourself if what you want is really that important…" the little girl trailed off. As the movie started everyone dropped their jaws in awe at what they saw.

A/N: Go on, I posted 2 chapters up… 


	2. Sark

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias. Are you happy now?

A/N: Here you go, enjoy! I used a translator for the French. See bottom for translations. I don't remember is Lauren speaks French, but for the sake of this story, let's say she doesn't, ok. 

Alias's funniest home videos

Chapter 1~ Sark

Sydney cocked her head to the side and a smile crept up on face. Lauren's mouth was wide in shock. Vaughn and Weiss were trying to avoid eye contact with the screen. Sark's expression mimicked Lauren's. 

Sydney cocked her head to the side and a smile crept up on her face. Lauren's mouth was wide in shock. Vaughn and Weiss were trying to avoid eye contact with the screen. Sark's expression mimicked Lauren's. 

We see a naked Sark ( ^_~ ) skipping down the street. He is only about 7 or 8 though… ( ^-^) He is skipping down the street with some boy trailing behind him. He starts to say something soon to break the silence, obviously not caring he's buck naked,

" La de La d'Ooo. Elle se sent vraiment fraîche dehors ici. Le pont de

Londres tombe vers le bas, faling en bas de tomber vers le bas. Le

pont de Londres faling vers le bas, mon ooo juste de dame... que je

sens.... le camion tellement joli de crême glacée d'oo ! Aucun

Samual, vous ne pouvez avoir aucun de mon mmoney ! Vous êtes jsut

jaloux parce que je suis joli. Je veux le voyage d'étoile pour mon

anniversaire.…" We see Sam looking disappointed. Then we hear a man yell at Sark.

"Julien, revenez ici maintenant ! Vous savez son non sûr, vous devez

rester hors de l'emplacement si vous allez... et cesser de parler

comme un tel sissy."

The tape is fast forwarded to a scene where Sark is running away from the man yelling at the top of his lungs, "Peu petit, pipi de pipi ! Je me sens si libre ! Pipi petit petit de

Pipi !"

Sydney burst out laughing and looks toward where Sark was where he is now beat red and growing redder by the millisecond. Vaughn had an amused smile on his face, definite leverage for later. Lauren looked around confused. Sloane looked around purposefully avoiding Sark. To help Lauren, and because she could no longer hold it in, Sydney burst out with, "You were a trekie? Did you miss Britain that much?" she asked. 

"What was that wee wee pee pee stuff about?" Vaughn asked. Weiss looked at a confused Lauren and translated what had happened.

"Ok, when Sark started running naked, he said, 'Ooo la la. It feels really breezy out here. London Bridge is falling down, falling down. falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady... ooo i feel so pretty.... oo Ice Cream truck! No Samual, you can't have any of my money! You're just jealous because I'm pretty. I want Star Trek for my birthday.…" he waited to see what her response would be. Sark was now lurking in a corner far, far away from everybody. Getting up he finally decided to tell everyone he was Samual. 

"It's a little to late for that Sark." Sydney laughed. While Weiss continued translating.

"'Julian, get back here now! You know its not safe, you must remain out of site if you are going to... And stop talking like such a sissy.' is what the guy was yelling at Sark. Then it skipped forward and Sark started yelling on the top of his lungs, 'Wee wee, pee pee! I feel so free! Wee wee pee pee!'". Weiss took a breath then practically rolled around in laughter. The movie stopped and the little girl's voice came back no over the speakers. "See, you used to be so free..." which caused a few snickers to be heard in the room. Apparently this did not settle well with the little girl. "Enough! I am trying to show you guys the innocence of what used to be. And if you guys keep interrupting me, then you'll be stuck here because until we're done showing you what we want to show you; you're all stuck here. So enjoy the time you're spending right now; until we're through time is all you'll have." With that the voice shut up.

Sydney spoke up first, "I say we kill Sloane first." 

"How about we not." Sloane said. 

"I'll second what Sydney said," Weiss stated.

"How about you all just shut up. Now the little brat wanted-" Sark started but was cut off by Lauren scoffing and saying,

"Like you should be talking." 

"Don't start with me." Sark warned trying to talk again. 

"No… Lauren, I think we should listen to Sark. The girl said that they wanted us to see something. To learn something. And until we do, we're not getting out of here. I don't know about the rest of you, but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with some of the people in this room. I say we should shut up and pay attention." 

"Yea, that's a good idea." Vaughn chipped in. 

"that might work." Weiss said. 

A girl, most likely a new recruit of Irina's spoke up. "I don't like that plan. How about we try to make a break for it, try a cell phone." 

"I already tried no reception. It's like they are blocking the signals in this room." another agent stated up. 

"Hey, you're a new recruit, aren't you?" Sydney asked the first girl.

"Yea, why?" she asked slowly.

"Well, how about you do what the people with the guns tell you to do?" Sydney asked. 

Sark smirked. And everyone turned around when they heard a thud. Sloane had collapsed on the ground with Lauren standing above him holding a needle. 

A/N: Review please. It'll be like a late Christmas gift. Plz? You never know who will take a bizarre/hilarious trip down memory lane next… ^_~ , review! The more reviews the faster I type. 

1.)Ooo la la. It feels really breezy out here. London Bridge is falling down, faling down. falling down. London Bridge is faling down, my fair lady... ooo i feel so pretty.... oo Ice Cream truck! No Samual, you can't have any of my money! You're just jealous because I'm pretty. I want Star Trek for my birthday.... 

2.)Julian, get back here now! You know its not safe, you must remain out of site if you are going to... And stop talking like such a sissy. 

3.)Wee wee, pee pee! I feel so free! Wee wee pee pee! 


	3. JackSloane

A/N: Let me clear something up for you guys. *Mini spoiler* thought everyone knew. Sark's first name is Julian. Please don't hit me for telling you that. If people you knew had just watched a video of you running around buck naked, wouldn't you claim to be someone else? He claimed to be the person running behind him (Samual)… get it? Oh yeah, and let's pretend that Jack and Sloane knew each other a LONG time ago. 

*When I refer to a younger Sloane, I'm gonna call him by his first name, ok?* 

Alias's funniest home videos

Chapter 2~ Jack/Sloane

"Lauren?" Vaughn asked backing away from his wife. 

"He was looking peculiar; like he was up to something. Sloane can't be trusted." Lauren explained. 

"I'll second that!" Sydney spoke up, agreeing with Lauren. 

"Sure he was you smutty bi-" the new recruit girl started before she got interrupted. The little girl was now speaking again. 

"Here is the second example, of things that used to be important…" She trailed off and what little lights they had dimmed and the screen suddenly had another movie shown across it. 

"Who is in this one?" Lauren asked before getting shushed by everyone- including her husband. Sloane woke back up with a groan just in time to see the movie. 

We see a boy about 10 with black hair run into what looks like a kitchen. 

__

Well that eradicates Vaughn, and Sark since he already went. The boy is wearing an apron and is mad at someone in the kitchen. 

"Why is this being recorded?" he whined to a woman. She turned around, wearing an apron too and simply told him, 

"Jack Bristow, you know very well the reason this is being recorded. Your cousin Alexis likes to remember every detail about her birthday, including preparation." a woman scolded. 

The sight of Jack in an apron had spread a smile across everyone's face, if not causing a laugh. 

"This would be easier if I had my easy bake oven." he retorted. 

'Easy bake oven?' Sydney mouthed confused. _No wonder he never bought me one, too many memories, huh dad? _

We hear the doorbell and the women tells Jack to go open the door.

"I'm sure Jack has a perfectly reasonable explanation for his erratic behavior. " Sloane voiced. 

"Mom," Jack called, "Arvin's here." He ran back into the kitchen and begged her to let him play with Arvin. 

"Make sure he puts down Alexis's present first," she warned him. 

"Ok," he told her running to tell the Sloane the news. We see the camera follow surreptitiously and softly behind Jack. 

"Look!" Arvin cried referring to the present. "I got Alexis a doll. Except she looked hideous in that bathing suit she was wearing. So I got her an evening gown with a credit card a purse, and lots of other accessories." 

Everyone turned his or her head towards Sloane. He wouldn't face any of them. 

"But, Arvin, she's 15 years old. I don't think she wants a doll." Jack theorized. 

"You never know, besides it's better than some cookies you-" Arvin started.

"Aww crap my cookies! They will burn! I shall have to make another batch! It'll never be ready in time… I need my easy bake oven! Oh no! We're out of chocolate chips!" Jack yelled. 

"Jack! What did I tell you about using profanity! Come here!" his mom yelled. 

"Ooo mama bee baa… (A/N: Don't really know who came up with that phrase. I just remember when I was small everyone used it. It means that you're in trouble.)" Sloane started. 

Jack hurried back to the kitchen bumping into a girl. She looked like she was in her teens. She had short brown hair and wore shorts, a plain sleeveless red shirt and some blue slippers. 

"Hey Jack, are you alright? Be careful next time." she warned, helping him up.

"I-I-I-I am fine." Jack stuttered. "Hey Alexis. I'm making you a special birthday surprise. When I'm done arranging it, it will be pretty. But not as p-p-p-retty as your eyes." 

Alexis beamed at him and gave him a hug. "Thanks Jack." She muttered softer then Jack could hear, but loud enough for the camera to hear, "Now if only Mark could be as sweet as him." 

"Jack, get your a-" Jack's mom stopped herself in time to correct herself. "Get your butt in here! You know you are not supposed to use words like those!" 

Jack looked scared of something. Seeing this Alexis went into the kitchen with the camera following right behind her. A gasp could be heard as the camera passed, most likely from Jack noticing that the camera had followed him. 

"But Aunt Annette, he might have been telling Arvin what words not to say at my party. Please let him still participate. He didn't mean it." Alexis pleaded. 

Annette rolled her eyes then sighed, giving in. "Fine, he can still participate in your party." 

Music from another room turned on and an unidentified voice could be heard. Most likely from the person wielding the camera. 

"I'm gonna go videotape the dancing ok sweetie?" the man asked.

"Sure." Annette told him. The camera left the kitchen and went into what appeared to be a family room with a porch attached to it. The plain white walls were decorated with birthday ornaments and streamers. A humongous birthday cake sat in the middle, while on the wall behind it sat a table the length of the wall. There was nothing on the table as if to suggest that the food was still being prepared. There were tons of chairs filling the room, lazy boy chairs, folding chairs; you name it. The actual music was being played on the porch with containers filled with ice and drinks. The camera turned and there was Jack dancing on the table… or what appeared to be a dance. It could have been a seizure, but since no one was rushing to help him or call an ambulance I guess it's safe to say he way dancing. To top it all off Jack was singing, off key, 'Too Sexy'… and apparently he didn't know all the words to the song. His family just clapped along and pretended he wasn't making a fool of himself. 

"I'm too sexy for my bootie, too sexy for my bootie, too sexy yeah…" Jack sang. 

Sark's smirk didn't last long, within a few seconds of watching this he, and the others had burst out laughing. His embarrassing act was forgotten as they focused on the 'too sexy' Jack and 'Barbie decorator' Arvin. 

Arvin ran into the room yelling, "It's here, it's here. It's so awesome, it's better than what I expected. I hope you like it, because my mommy wouldn't let me get it for my birthday." This caused everyone to turn. In strolled an adult size Barbie. That's when they noticed she wasn't a doll, but a real person. She came bearing dolls and passed them out to people before walking inside and coming back with an adult sized Ken. He put a CD into the CD player and together they sang the Barbie song before singing other songs on the CD. 

Annette came back and got Jack and together they walked back into the kitchen. When they came back out they were holding plates full of chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, chocolate chip and M&M cookies, Macadamian nut cookie, and white chocolate cookies. He tapped on Alexis's shoulder and whispered that this was her birthday present. 

When they noticed no one was paying attention to them, the couple (Barbie and Ken) started to sing louder. 

Jack handed Alexis a chocolate chip cookie with a camel imprinted on it. Her smile broadened, "I love camels, thank you Jack!" 

(A/N: Remember, Jack still has on his apron, btw, Annette took hers off.) 

"I wanna show you something!" Jack yelled, jumping on top his trampoline. 

"I wanna to show her something first!" Arvin yelled jumping on the trampoline. Jack pushed him down and started his trick. 

"Are you gonna take that Arvin?" one of Jack's cousins jeered. 

Arvin attempted to roll out of Jack's falling range when Jack landed on the trampoline. He kept rolling until he thought Jack was done. Unfortunately, Jack wasn't and so Arvin hadn't rolled away. Which left Jack straddling Arvin. (A/N: I know, I know, bad images, please don't hit me!) 

"OMG! Annette get your gay son off mine!" a woman yelled presumably Arvin's mom. 

"My son is not gay! Your son probably pulled him on top of him! Jonathan! Get Jack off Arvin! Now!" Annette yelled. 

"I think I'm stuck!" Jack yelled. 

Jonathan must have been the person maintaining the camera since the camera was abruptly set down and you could see a man attempting to pry Jack off Arvin. 

"Uh, shut it off! Shut it off!" Sydney cried, looking away. 

"I have been scarred for life!" Sark yelled 

"Take it away, take it away!" Lauren yelled. 

The movie was turned off rapidly after a few seconds. The little girl spoke to them again. 

"Now _that _was just plain sickening. No wonder it was kept a secret. So that was another example of the innocence… and weirdness of what used to be." She mumbled, but it was still loud enough for them to hear, "Thank God." 

"Is anyone brave enough to even wonder who is going next?" Vaughn asked. 

Weiss was sitting on the floor quiet. "I swear I just might become sterile after watching all these 'fun' and 'carefree' movies." he told them his voice filled with sarcasm whenever he described the movies. 

"Hey!" Sloane yelled. "I do have a perfectly logical explanation. That movie was either a setup, or I was going through a phase."

"Sure you were," Sydney said not quiet sure which Sloane she would rather have in the present. 

"Hey!" Sloane yelled. "I wasn't the one straddling a guy!"

"He might have had a good explanation for that!" Sydney yelled rather uncertain about it herself…

"Still, imagine how Jack is now, imagine how he used to be, now imagine him like that nowadays. Scary isn't it?" Sark asked the new recruit. 

Another person spoke up, most likely another new recruit. "So, Sydney is it? Are you so sure about your parentage? I mean, after watching that, I would double check." he grinned a stupid grin and Sark clobbered him before Sydney could. 

"That, Peter, Is just disgusting." he told him. 

"Are you ready for another movie?" the little girl asked.

Everyone looked at each other…

A/N: So, did you like it? Review! 

Because, Lots of reviews= me updating faster. 

We're you kinda disturbed by this chapter? I know; I had these images flashing through my head as I wrote it. Yeah, scary, I know. That why I tried not to go into detail… so review! You never know who's next! Review please. 


	4. Lauren

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, but I do own prequels to the series and season 1 on DVD. 

A/N: I love all the reviews! They make me so happy. And when im happy.. I update sooner. I was thinking about calling this 'Why Lauren hates Christmas' but I changed my mind. This chapter is short, but oh well. 

Chapter 3~ Lauren 

Everyone looked at everyone else. 

"Hey, it cant get any worse, can it?" Lauren asked. 

"You better not have jinxed us." Sydney told her. 

"Hello?" the little girl asked. "Are you ready? Whatever." 

A movie started across screen and everyone became quiet, whether it was in fear or curiosity, you couldn't really tell. 

"I wonder who it is." Lauren pondered out loud. That got her shushed once again.

We see a blonde little girl about 6 standing in front of the camera wearing an extremely oversized red dress and a plastic princess crown on. When she picks up the bottom of the dress to walk we see she is wearing pink plastic princess slippers. She fixes her hair then begins to speak to the camera in a British accent.

"Welcome to another addition to 'Everyone loves Lauren.' And I am your host, Lauren, who everyone loves, obviously, " The little girl started. Sydney scoffed at this, but no one said anything because they were all thinking the same thing. _Conceited_. 

"Anywhoo, we have a special episode today since it is close to the holidays. We will go around and inspect people's front yards. We will grade them on how well the decorated them. Doesn't that sound like fun." She said enthusiastically. 

"Is this supposed to be humiliating for her?" Sydney whispered to Weiss. He shrugged and continued to watch the video. 

"Ok, follow me." she lead them outside tripping a few times in the dress that was probably her mom's but she was borrowing. "Oh, wow, I give that house an almost perfect 10." she told the camera pointing to a house the had snow on its roof, windows, trees, and ground. Santa, his sleigh, reindeer and presents sat perched on the top of the house near the chimney. Lights lit up the tree and the wrapped around the trunks were multi-colored lights with moving lit up reindeer on the ground. They had 'curtain' lights on the roof in a surreal blue. Bows were tied to the tree that lit up in a bright red fashion. There were presents scattered diversely around the yard. Wrapped around the chain fence were lights that weaved in and out. Topping it off were the decorations and a few holiday neon lights in the windows. "Ok, now on to the next house." she said. She graded the house beaming at the great work and effort put into the decorations. "I love this part of Christmas, don't you?" Her smile disappeared as she saw the next house. It was a normal sized yard with snow on the roof, trees and ground. One tree had lights on it, and there was a drawing attached to another tree of a stick figure Santa Clause with the crappiest drawings of boxes you ever seen. 2 lines were drawing connecting it to what you could only assume to be reindeer. They looked more like a dog, a cow, and a hippopotamus mixed together. Where the antlers should be they had pointy ears. The house looked like it needed to be repainted and or pressure-washed. There were cracks all over the house and the windows were dirty. The was a humungous snowman that stood about only a few feet from the sidewalk. It's face was contoured and looked hideous. 

Lauren scrunched up her face in disgust.

"Well, uh," she started, looking uncomfortable and like she wanted to puke. "The house certainly is original in it's vulgar ways, I suppose. And that snowman is revolting, well maybe they were on a budget. This is an example of people living on a budget, you see-" she started. 

"You think I'm ugly?" a voice asked. Lauren gave a small scream.

"Who- who said that?" she asked backing away from the house. In less then a few seconds the snowman started running towards her and Lauren took off running. She tripped because of the size of the dress and she hiked it up quickly, taking off the slippers as well and ran as fast as her legs could carry her. The camera person tried to tell Lauren to stop running. The camera whipped back around to the snowman, but he was now gone. In it's place sat a pile of snow with an old man on top of it, slapping his knee and laughing.

The movie shut off with it's audience still laughing. 

"You thought the snowman was gonna get you?" Weiss asked. 

Sydney stopped laughing to say, "this has been another addition of: When snowmen attack. Tune in next time for-" 

"I was small! I didn't know better!" Lauren interrupted. 

"What happened to 'everyone loves Lauren'? Well, then I guess not everyone does." Sark told her. 

The little girl spoke up again. "Innocence can come with being vain and naive. But, adolescence also comes with loyalty, courage, curiosity, and a pure mind. That was another example of that. Now, who should we see next?" 

"We? She can see it too?" Lauren murmured. 

A/N: So, you wanna see who is next? Then review, review, review! I don't know if I will do the trainees because we don't really know them. If you hated this fic, first of all, why are you reading it, secondly then flame me, I find it amusing. But I like non-flames better. 


	5. Weiss

Disclaimer: Do I own Alias, hmm let's see… it's a fanfic meaning it's fiction written by a fan. And since I'm a fan and I wrote this story then I guess I do not own Alias. 

A/N: I love the replies I am getting! 

Chapter 4~ Weiss

"I think Miss Bristow should go next," Sloane volunteered Sydney. 

"No, I think Weiss should go." Sydney blurted out.

"What? Weiss asked. "Vaughn should defiantly go." 

"No, I say Sydney should." Vaughn told them.

"Yea, I wanna see Sydney go." Lauren spoke up.

"Hey, hey, I think we all wanna see Weiss go." Sydney started. 

"Yea, it might be kinda funny." Weiss agreed.

The little girl spoke up once more, "aww isn't it so cute the way they think they have a choice." she appeared to be talking to someone else. 

"Yep." the woman agreed. 

"Here's the next movie, have fun." she said. 

The movie turned on and we see a woman with straight jet-black hair then went about halfway down her back walk tell the camera person to be quite. 

"Shhh, if you make too much noise he will notice. If you aren't quick enough you might not catch him." she whispered leading them inside the house. The walls are covered with picture fames, but we can't see the pictures. A hand opens the door in front of the camera, probably the woman's, and we hear something coming from the room.

"Uh oh" someone from the audience whispered. 

We hear something coming from the room. It is a sound of music. The camera whips around and finds the source. There singing in his tightie-whities is a Caucasian preteen standing in front of a mirror with a brush held up to his mouth. It wasn't as embarrassing as to him wearing only underwear on, but to the song he was singing. We hear him start to sing louder and prance around the room. 

"Man! I feel like a woman! The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take. The chance to get out on the town. We don't need romance-we only wanna dance." he danced around the room, continuing the song. "We're gonna let our hair hang down. The best thing about being a woman. Is the prerogative to have a little fun and... Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady. Men's shirts-short skirts. Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style. Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction. Color my hair-do what I dare. Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel. Man! I feel like a woman!" he stopped with a look or horror on his face. The camera-person, was apparently a teenager and apparently could no longer keep his laughter quiet. 

"Umm… umm… I was, ah, practicing for the talent show," the boy explained in a very familiar voice. 

"Weiss?" Sydney asked, cocking her head to one side, laughter could be heard in her voice. "Why did you feel like a woman?" 

"It was for extracurricular activities. I accidentally signed up for the wrong side; I signed up for female instead of male singing." Weiss explained. 

"Sure," Sark started, "and they didn't notices your weren't a female, why?" 

"Will you guys shut up!" Sloane yelled. "I can't hear the rest of the movie."

It didn't matter anyway because shortly after the movie turned off and the little girl started to talk again. 

"Well, that was certainly, um, interesting. But, it is still yet another example of what used to be important. Hmm, only 2 more solitary videos, then we move on to the fun stuff." The little girl giggled after saying the sentence.

Everyone asked in confusion, at practically the same time, "The fun stuff?" 

A/N: Heh, review and soon enough you will know what she is talking about. Only Vaughn and Sydney left to go *maybe not in that order, you'll just have to find out* before the fun stuff. ^_~ So review! 


	6. Vaughn

Disclaimer: I am not the luckiest person in the world, aka JJ, nuff said. 

A/N: Michael Varten had blonde hair when he was younger, so I'm going to do the same with Vaughn. 

Chapter 5~ Vaughn

"Here's the next video," the girl told the, not explaining herself. 

Sydney and Vaughn looked at each other. The list of who had not gone yet was hastily dwindling down. 

The movie turned on and we see a curtain like thing. 

"Listen up, due to the recent misunderstanding of what was said in the first movie, we have this one translated already for you." the little girl explained. 

Everyone turned his or her attention back to the screen where the curtain was just rising up on the stage. We see a boy about 13 or 14 years old with short blonde hair walking with some girl. 

"What's the point of taking a bath so regular? I mean you're not required to…" the boy mumbled on. 

"Yea, but taking a bath feels so good." the girl exclaimed. "And you wash away dirt, clean out your pores, you're actually clean, and it's rejuvenating." 

"I think I'm going to throw up," the boy simply told her. 

"Look it's Agent Vaughn!" Sloane yelled 

"I think we can all see that." Sydney told him. 

"Why does everyone insist on talking through movies?" Sloane yelled. Everyone shushed him for that. 

"Oh, sure shush me." he grumbled. 

Sydney whispered to Lauren and she took off her shoe and threw it at Sloane. 

"Ow!" He complained and everyone shushed him again. Lauren walked up to him and took back her shoe. 

"Look, seriously, at least shampoo your hair. It's really vulgar," the girl complained.

"Fine, fine, you bug!" the boy complained. He took the shampoo bottle and went into the boys' locker room. 

He turned on the shower thingy (A/N: Yeah, he still has his clothes on, so stop drooling S/V lovers) and took off his shirt. Opening the bottle suddenly the room got brighter and we hear music playing. 

"Oh my god!" Sydney yelled. "What the hell are those guys doing there?" 

True to her word three guys had appeared. Before someone could answer her question the men started to do something. Rose petals seemed to fall from nowhere. Windows opened and air blew in from them. 

"Is that Kendal?" Sydney asked. There was a man there with brown hair that looked freakishly like their former boss. 

The younger version on Kendal started to sing with the other two guys. 

"He's got the urge," he started. 

"Natural botanicals," the other two chimed in. Michael *the younger one* was sitting in some magical chair that had appeared and they were massaging his hair/shampooing it. A mini waterfall seemed to be flowing down on Vaughn. He got up and the boys and the waterfall followed him. 

"He's got the urge to herbal." Kendal continued. "He's wants to hang out in the shower, for another half an hour." by now we can hear Michael moaning along with the song. 

Our audience however is bursting with laughter.   
"He's got the urge." they finished. The music stopped and the rose petals stopped dropping. The waterfall stopped and he shook out his now completely dry hair. 

Michael however didn't seem finished. He studied the bottle and then told them, "Hey boys, the bottle says repeat."

Sark was having a great laugh at Vaughn's expense. 

The girl came in and cocked her head to one side, "What are you doing?" She asked. 

The movie turned off and everyone except Vaughn was laughing. 

"Wow, you had some urge." Sydney joked. 

Vaughn didn't answer the question, but he simply said, "Wait until we see your movie."

"So, why were you getting massaged by guys?" Sydney asked.

The little girl came back on. "So, only 1 more movie, then the fun begins. Although, as we could already see; you already had fun. So, I wonder what could happen next."

A/N: So, you like it? Review! Review because, I've got the urge… *and so do you*. Hehe. Please, please get the urge to review. 


	7. Sydney

Disclaimer: Am I JJ? No, nuff said. 

A/N: I absolutely love the reviews I am getting! BTW: I made up the name of the school. Don't grill me too much on it. 

Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to 2 of my friends and Penguins, one of whom had something like this happen to her and the other who gave me this idea because of an upcoming play. And the Penguins, just because they are so cool (And Yorkies). 

Chapter 6~ Sydney 

Sydney sat still wondering what her video would be about. She knew it would only be a matter of time before she would find out. 

"I think only Syd is left to go." Lauren said and receiving glares from people that told her that name was off limits to her. "Fine" she grumbled. 

"Ok," the little girl spoke up. "Now it is time for the final video before the fun stuff begins" she told them. 

By now everyone was getting scared of what the 'fun stuff' really was. 

The movie turned on and everyone became quiet. 

We see the camera walking around and people dressed up in varied costumes walking also. Some people are changing out of the costumes, putting on costumes or are taking off their makeup. We see some girl appear in a blue frilly skirt and a baby blue cashmere jacket. Her hair is in a bun and she is wearing purple high heels. She mouths to the camera not to focus on her feet. Most likely because her shoes are mitch matching. She had wavy dirty blonde hair and her eyebrows were gone. In their place there was eyeliner in a shape that resembled eyebrows. Her hoop earrings were just big enough to be cute but not too big to be trashy. Her clear lip-gloss was tinted light blue with glitter on it. She had a movie star smile and seemed to love the camera. 

"Good Morning Impending Providence Middle School. I am one of your anchors, Meredith Bromley. This week we are interviewing some of the our Drama club's members and our school rival, Autonomous Vivacity Middle School on the play tonight, the Wizard of Oz. Today we are interviewing our very own, Sydney Bristow." Meredith told the camera turning on her heel and cautiously made her way through the endless crowd of students. She stopped in front of a girl with curly brown hair in 2 loose ponytails and in a blue dress. She looked like she was in 8th grade and the boy looked like he was in 7th. Her skin looked rather pale and holding her ponytails together were 2 blue ribbons. She was talking to some boy in an aluminum suit. He was apparently having trouble getting around and eventually just stopped moving about. When the girl noticed Meredith she whispered something to the boy and he wobbled away like a Penguin. 

"Hello my name is Meredith and you must be Sydney, right?" Meredith asked twirling her finger around a stray strand of hair. 

"Yes Meredith I am," Sydney said extending out her hand. 

"And who do you play in the play?" Bromley asked. 

"I play Dorothy of course. The young girl who-" Sydney started. 

"Yes, Dorothy, she's everyone's favorite character. So how long have you guys been working on the play?" Meredith asked already bored. 

"Since around early September." Sydney answered trying to keep the enthusiasm in her voice. 

"Ah, wow that is a long time since this is January. Why did it take so long? Well what is your favorite scene?" Meredith asked interested again. 

"It took so long because people started slacking off, skipping practices, not learning their lines, etc. My favorite scene is where she meets most of the main characters, you know the tin man, the cowardly lion, etc." Sydney answered looking at something away from the camera. 

"So is this your favorite play?" Meredith asked.

"No, Alice in Wonderland is." Sydney told her eyes lighting up. 

"Really, what's your favorite scene from there? For most people it's the tea party." Meredith informed her.

"Mine is the card scene. With the queen and the cards and the rose bushes." Sydney told her.

"Really why?" Meredith asked her getting bored again.

"Hey how come Sydney's isn't embarrassing?" Lauren complained. 

"Shhh" Sark shushed.

"I was just- cant I talk?" Lauren asked.

"No" Sydney told her. 

"What?" Lauren yelled. 

"What part of that sentence did you not understand, the 'n' or the 'o'?" Sydney asked her. With that Lauren shut up. Snoring could be heard in the back of the audience and everyone turned to find some of the recruits sleeping. 

Sydney's eyes lit up immensely and she smiled. 

"Sydney what are you looking at?" Meredith asked confused and intrigued. "Is it a hot guy? A sale? A fight?" 

Sydney just kept staring. Then she squinted and her smile broadened. 

"It's the guy you have a crush on!" Meredith yelled. Sydney paid no attention to her.

"What is it?" Meredith yelled. 

Sydney got up and pounced on the ground shouting, "ooo look a shiny penny!" It slipped out of her hand and she yelled, "Where'd it go? Man it had the numbers on it and everything!" 

"Wow," Meredith said looking uncomfortable, "That's a way to break the awkwardness. And there you have it, one of our fine young students. She is right now, umm displaying her love for umm American currency." 

"Oooo, I found it! The shiny penny is mine. I shall call it shiny and it shall be mine. And it shall be my shiny. Look Robert! I found a shiny penny!" She yelled running to the tin boy raising the penny up high in the air. 

"I got a penny I got a penny I got a penny hey hey hey hey!" she yelled as she ran out of sight of the camera. 

Meredith shook her head and directed the camera away. "Let's go check out some of the sane people." 

You couldn't tell apart basically anyone's laughs because they were all so loud.

The movie turned off and the girl started to talk, but then relied no one was listening so she shut up for a little while. 

~~~3 minutes later~~~

Everyone was still laughing except for Sydney who had stopped after about a minute.

"It's not funny anymore guys." Sydney told them. 

"Yea" The little girl piped up. "Well, it doesn't matter how funny it was, because now, the fun begins." 

With that everyone stopped laughing. 

"Uh hey Sara," one the recruits spoke up. "You know that fear you had of dying a virgin? You don't have to worry about that because I think that little girl is gonna screw us all." 

"Isn't it supposed to be 'life'? Sydney asked. "As in, you don't have to worry about dying a virgin because life screws us all." 

"Yea, well you know what I mean." 

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. Not because of awkwardness but because of fear. Fear of this, 'fun stuff' the girl had been talking about. 

A/N: Ok wow, not the biggest cliffe, but it'll do. So what do I want? At least 10 reviews or I leave it here and you never find out what the fun stuff is. So the question is, how bad do you really wanna know? Then review! I don't care if it's one word or not, if you're a member or not… 

~Mel~ 


	8. The Fun Stuff

Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, but I own this story. 

A/N: I love the reviews I am getting! It will be **both mild angst and humor**… Enjoy! You'll never actually believe what the fun stuff is! And now we come to the…

Chapter 7~ The Fun Stuff 

With this a recruit started pulling on his tie trying to loosen it. "What's the uh, fun stuff?" he gasped.

"We're you paying attention? No one knows dumbass!" Lauren. 

"It's time," the girl laughed. The room had an eerie silence as everyone directed their undivided attention to the screen. A movie came on, but a black screen still shone. 

"I would love to be a lesbian." A blonde preteen girl simply states. Sydney looks at Lauren and then gets up and sits the farthest away from her. 

"Dude, my mom is so damn hot!" we see a teen boy who we recognize from a previous movie as-

"Sloane?" Sark asked disgusted. 

"That is so…" Weiss started.

"Wrong." Vaughn finished for him. 

"Oh yeah, grandmas are sexy" a young Sark states. The uncomfortable response to this is both silent and mutual. 

"You're just saying that." A man states to a young boy (named Eric). 

"So?" he answers back. 

"British chicks are conceded and bitchy. Or anyone with a British accent for that matter. You'll never see me with one of them." A young Vaughn states. 

Everyone just stares at him, all except for Lauren who is glaring at him and Sark who is smirking. 

"Gay guys are always so cute, why?" a young Sydney asked. 

"A picture of perfect… perverted innocence…" the little girl started. 

We see short flickers of boys destroying thing, throwing balls and them hitting windows, girls breaking stuff, cheerleaders, football players, soccer players, laughing, joking, and then we see a white screen. 

"All of that… given up just so you could become this…" the little girl accused. 

__

How can you see into my eyes   
like open doors.

Leading you down into my core   
where I've become so numb.

We see Sloane putting a bullet through someone's head and then the scene on Jack on top of him (A/N: Images! Bad, bad Images!) 

__

Without a soul  
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold   
until you find it there and lead it back home.

We see Sydney attacking Sloane, "Where the hell was I?" The movie skips to a part where she is crying and stating to someone, "Tell me there is something wrong with me, please." 

  
_Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside.   
I can't wake up.   
Wake me up inside.   
Save me.   
Call my name and save me from the dark. _

We see Sark torturing his dad, and then we see the scene in the beginning where his dad was chasing him. 

Sark grimaced at this scene and bowed his head for a second. 

  
_Wake me up.   
Bid my blood to run.   
I can't wake up.   
Before I come undone.   
Save me.   
Save me from the nothing I've become._

"Look at what you've given your innocence for, your happiness for, for this, this crap." 

We see Jack crying and begging god to bring back his Laura. A weak side that recently only Sydney had seen. We see him smiling in another scene laughing with Irina. 

__

Now that I know what I'm without  
you can't just leave me.  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life.

We see Sark shoot Vaughn… 

__

Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside.   
I can't wake up.   
Wake me up inside.   
Save me.   
Call my name and save me from the dark.

"But, some, still keep their happiness, innocence, their belief and hope for the goodness in this world." 

"Hi, yeah, please don't kill me." We see Marshall stumble. 

  
_Wake me up.   
Bid my blood to run.   
I can't wake up.   
Before I come undone.   
Save me.   
Save me from the nothing I've become._  


"What have I done?" Sloane mumbles looking at the blood on his hands. 

__

Now that I know what I'm without  
you can't just leave me.  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life.

We see Sydney wake up in the hospital. 

__

Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside.   
I can't wake up.   
Wake me up inside.   
Save me.   
_Call my name and save me from the dark. _

"The CIA must never find out!" Sloane yells. 

  
_Wake me up.   
Bid my blood to run.   
I can't wake up.   
Before I come undone.   
Save me.   
Save me from the nothing I've become._

  
"Trust means forgiving someone after they've wronged you, believing in them. People make mistakes. That's what makes us human" We hear Danny say.

_Frozen inside without your touch,  
without your love, darling.  
Only you are the life among the dead._

We see Sark trace his finger along Sydney's cheekbone and Vaughn grimaces at the sight of it. 

__

All of this sight  
I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark  
but you were there in front of me

"You never know" Sydney starts.

"What life?" a new recruit asked? 

"Will throw your way." a man finished (in the movie). 

__

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.  
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

"What?" Sydney asks ( in the movie). 

__

Without a thought  
Without a voice  
Without a soul 

"Nothing makes sense anymore." Sydney complained (in the movie). 

__

Don't let me die here  
There must be something wrong.  
Bring me to life.

"We are exactly where we are supposed to be." Danny tells the camera. 

__

Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside.   
I can't wake up.   
Wake me up inside.   
Save me.   
_Call my name and save me from the dark. _

"No one ever said life was going to be easy." Jack started. 

  
_Wake me up.   
Bid my blood to run.   
I can't wake up.   
Before I come undone.   
Save me.   
Save me from the nothing I've become._

"My guardian angel" Sydney smiled. 

__

Bring me to life.  
I've been living a lie  
There's nothing inside.

"It was you in the prophecy…" Irina started. 

~~~

"You get dealt certain cards and it's your responsibility to deal with what you've been dealt." Jack told someone in the movie. 

We see different scenes- scenes of when they were younger to their current age. 

"It's fate's job to create our destiny, it's our job to choose our attitude towards it." someone asserts. 

"I don't believe in destiny." a young Lauren states simply. 

In what appears to be the last scene Sark mutters, "I'd fuck a sheep to sleep with Sydney Bristow." (A/N: ^_^)

__

Bring me to life

Then everyone's face reads one of surprise and recognition as we see a person shoot Lazeray. The pack up their weapons and evidence and walking away, but not before calling in with their boss or co-worker. 

"Hey!" A recruit yelled, "Isn't that you?" He asked pointing to Lauren. She backs way from his view and the little girl comes back on.

"Like we said in the beginning… all this death around us, but yet you seem to have no problem causing more. Take a good look around you… are any of you where you want to be in life? How many of you wanted to be a terrorist, or work for terrorists, have this type of job, attack the ones you love, and even lie and hurt your loved ones. I know your life might not be fun, but life is not all fun and games. How many times in the movie were any of you actually happy and worry free? How dare you change other people's lives when you're not even sure what to do with yours! You want this, but then you want that. And in the end, you wont even want it anymore…" and with that the little girl stopped talking. 

"Ok, how was that fun?" the girl recruit asked. 

"Oh yeah," the little girl piped up from the speakers, "Almost forgot, thanks. Here's the fun stuff." 

Everyone glared at the girl.

"And hey! How come we never got videos! What are we not special enough!" Everyone shushed her and soon found out exactly what the 'fun stuff' was. 

The girl had stopped talking after she muttered, "Enjoy!" and now someone was talking. They tried to listen, but within second a Britany Spears song started playing (Not a girl, not yet a woman). 

"Noooooooooooooo!" Lauren yelled. 

"Make it stop!" Sydney screamed. 

"My ears!" Weiss complained. 

When the song stopped they applauded.. That is until a Backstreet Boys song started playing. This rotated between Britany, Backstreet Boys, 98° , the Barbie song, Barney's theme song, country, Rain drops keep falling on my head, I can see clearly now, after school specials, and many annoying others. The music just kept getting louder and eventually Weiss ran to the door and started pounding on it screaming, 

"Make it stop, make it stop!" 

A/N: I know I know, I have beef with most of the items mentioned in the prior paragraph. It was so annoying to have to write: (In the movie). Will it ever stop? Why the hell did I even write this fic? Should I make an Epilogue (If I do then the epilogue will be the next chapter), or should I just leave it like this? Sark's last quote, "I'd… Sydney Bristow" …was inspired by my friend who said, "I'd fuck a sheep to fuck 1,000 hot chicks." So many questions… So please review/reply and tell me what you thought! 

~Melissa~ 


	9. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Imitation is the highest form of flattery…. 'nuff said. 

A/N: Yes, this is the last chapter. Thanks so much to all my reviewers! Orlando Bloom, David Anders, James Masters (so/so)… you know what I have learned? British guys are sexy. Both on and off screen. 

Epilogue 

They had no clue how many hours the music had been playing when it finally stopped, but when it did everyone cheered.

"So.. Uh…." Lauren started. 

The little girl came back on the speakers. "Look carefully before you leap. Your decisions affect everyone." 

"That's al;" the younger girl, the young boy, the woman, and the man said in unison. "Be careful on what you do, because we all feel the consequences. Look around more often, if you don't like this lifestyle then simply change it. If you have learned something today, then you may leave." 

"That's what this was all about? You were trying to persuade us to leave our jobs?" Sydney scoffed. 

"Well, don't make me…" the little girl and "Raindrops" ( Raindrops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red…) started playing. 

"Noooooooooo!" Everyone screamed and ran for the door. They shoved and pushed their way outta the door. 

"So Amy, why did they look familiar?" a boy asked appearing out of the shadows. He was wearing jeans and a plain white shirt. He had Short curly brown hair and blue eyes. 

"Because they are familiar… or at least they will be." the little girl told him stepping out of the shadows. She had blonde hair and brown eyes and was wearing an orange dress.

"Let's go Juan. My friend and her boyfriend are waiting for us." She motioned for him to follow her out of the building. They left in a different door than Sydney and the rest had exited out. 

El fin

A/N: So, did you like? Then review, review, review! Tell me what you thought of it… pretty please, *holds out a plate of cookies* Review and you can get a virtual cookie. 


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